Pies in the Sky





by C. Ravin, Esq.

Spring 2000



Back in the day when the first Roman Emperor, Augustus, came to power, the King of the Gods, Jupiter, called a meeting of the twelve most important deities at the divine headquarters on Mount Olympus.

"I have gathered you all here this morning," Jupiter began when the family had assembled around a round marble table, "to make some important announcements. As you know, the Romans of Italy now rule the Earth, and have changed most of our names, with the exception of young Apollo, here. They seem to think that our old Greek titles were too difficult to pronounce and have decided to make us more hip and modern."

"What about the Zodiac?" asked nimble-minded Mercury. "We all rule a sign, Big Daddy - the Romans aren't going to change that, too - are they?"

While all the Gods and Goddesses, seated before their Sign at the table, began to grumble and mumble, King Jupiter held up a royal hand for silence.

"No, the Zodiac will remain the same, for even mortals understand that the stars never change. Ever. However, our subjects on the Earth need some help remembering which of us rule what month. Any suggestions?"

"I'll brand them all with the Signs," cried Vulcan, God of the Forge.

"No, I shall wage a great battle in the sky," offered Mars, God of War. "They won't forget that."





"Let me give the Romans Zodiac kisses," winked Venus, Divine Lover.





The Olympians argued and competed until at last, Minerva, Goddess Of Wisdom, shook her spear high and the others fell silent.

"We all know that mortals love one thing more than any other..."

"Money? Power?" asked Queen Juno.

"No, food," Minerva replied. "Humans, unlike the Gods, adore feasting - especially the Romans. Therefore, I suggest that we arrange the Wheel of the Zodiac to resemble a large circle of dessert slices - a Pie in the Sky."

"Brilliant!" agreed Jupiter, proud of his favorite child. "Pie it is! As I recall, the Egyptians and the Greeks were very fond of Pie, so much so that they built pyramids and temples based on the confection. Yes, Pie will do for the Romans, too. Let's all break for a nap, and then we'll meet in one hour in the royal kitchen to create our very own dish, something delicious to match our moods and months."

The Twelve went to their rooms and dreamed of....Pie.




At Noon, the Gods and Goddesses began the task of rolling dough, gathering fruits and crimping crusts. Mercury and Mars happened to get into a flour fight and would have turned the entire kitchen white as snow except for Apollo calming them down with his lute playing and Neptune rinsing everyone off with her sea spray.

"Those two are going straight to Hades, if they don't watch out," mumbled Pluto, God of the Underworld, who was given a scowl by his wife Proserpina's mom, Ceres, the most famous mother-in-law on Olympus.

When all the Immortals had finished their handiwork, King Jupiter and Queen Juno led the entire company to the dining room to await the presentation of the Divine Pies.

"In honor of my wife," Jupiter began, "I hereby decree that the Roman year will begin in January and that our Queen will continue to rule Capricorn, sign of wealth and prosperity."

"Thank you, dear Jupiter," Juno smiled. "And my pie shall be Apricot, that rich and golden fruit. From this day hence I decree that Capricorns everywhere will especially love apricots of every description - be they dried or juicy - and will include them in most dishes they prepare."

"Yes, so be it," mighty Jupiter nodded. "Who is next?"

"I am Apollo, ruler of February and Aquarius. My pie will be Gooseberry," he began, as the others began to twitter, "for geese love the water and are rather silly, so mortals will understand that the Water Bearer is unpredictable, loud and rather plump and tasty, too."

"Excellent choice!" the King declared, always amazed by Apollo's insights. "Next!"

"Neptune, sister of Jupiter and ruler of the High Seas. The Fish of Pisces are my symbol, and my pie is Blueberry, the color of deep waters."





"Get out of the way, you're a wash, Auntie Nep," insisted the brash warrior God Mars as he stepped up to the podium, still dripping wet from the kitchen hosing. "You all know me...the sign is Aries the Ram, the pie is Cherry, because it's red and hot like my flaming sword, and if you don't like it..."

"There, there," counseled quiet Vulcan, hammer and tongs in hand. "I'm strong as a May Bull, the sign of Taurus, and my pie is Pecan, for the armor I design is tough as a nut."

"Very interesting, not bad for a slow-poke," joked silver-tongued Mercury, God of science, business, vagabonds and...thieves. "Gemini's my house, baby, and my culinary delight is aptly named Grasshopper Pie, 'cuz nobody can catch the Winged Man!"

Gone in an instant, taking his pie with him from the table, Mercury proved his perplexing nature.

"June should be my month," sniffed the Queen.

"Calm down, everyone, our Pie Plunderer will return," Jupiter promised. "He can't sit still, that's all. Madame," the King prompted, holding a hand to the lovely lady approaching the stage.





"The Romans call me Ceres," the Goddess stated in a quiet voice, "ruler of Cancer, the sign of care and kindness. When mortals smell my Apple Pie, they will think of hearth and home and happy times."

The Olympians began to clap out of respect for motherhood and also in anticipation of the arrival of their very August leader.

"Jupiter rules the royal sign of Leo, the Lion," the King began solemnly. "Men, women and children alike will remember this when they gaze upon Lemon Meringue, for its golden base shines as does the Sun, while it's fluffy, whipped topping resembles the mane of the Lord of the Cats. So be it now and forever."

"Here, here!" the assembly cheered, most eager to taste Jupiter's glorious pie.





"Friends, Romans, lend me your spears," began a calm voice, the voice of Reason in a human form. "Because Virgo is the oldest of the Goddesses in the Sky, the wise Maiden, Mother and Crone, Her pie must be Three Berry - the tastiest and most satisfying among the stars. The fruits of Summer have been harvested by September, the month which yields the most delicious delights."

Gods and Goddesses alike found their mouths watering as they gazed upon the succulent tart - that was, until the beautiful Venus walked across the stage.

"Thank you, Minerva," the Vixen sighed, "how...elegant! The Romans will gobble everything in sight, especially when they get closer to October, my month of harmony and Liberace, I mean Libra! Naughty husband Vulcan put a crust on my Topless Blueberry Pie and sold it to Auntie Neptune, so I finally decided on Peaches and Cream...the color of my silky skin and a most worthy compromise!"





"We love you, Venus," the Olympians gushed, all except Minerva, that is, who was way too wise to fall for the Vixen's charms. The Virgo was about to speak when the lights went out in the banquet hall and everybody screamed.

"Silence!!" a serious tone commanded. "I am Lord Pluto, King of the Underworld, ruler of cold November and the Scorpion. My Pie is Blackest Berry, with a chocolate wafer crust and..."

"Stop it," a sweet voice chided, and a soft glow lit the room, much to the relief of all. "Have a dollop of whipped cream, silly Pluto, you're so intense," laughed Diana, Goddess of the Hunt, and Mistress of the Archer. "My month is merry December, a time of feasts and celebrations, and my Celestial Pie will forevermore be known as Banana, for the shape of that fruit matches the Bow of Sunny Sagittarius. The noble curve also forms a crescent, and when the Romans feast on this yellow custard, they will remember the mysterious Moonlight. They will reflect on the Night, and remember the Stars, and thus we shall all be served!"

"Speaking of serving, there's still a slice left of the Grasshopper," Mercury teased, zooming back into sight, turning up the lights and licking his lips. "Hurry up, or I'll eat the rest - all the Pies look so good!"

And with that observation, the Twelve hurried to gobble up their desserts before dinner, which they knew the Romans wouldn't have room for, anyway, because mere mortals had not yet figured out that peas came after Pie!





~ The End ~



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