RAVIN'




   "I'm really psyched for this gathering, Kim. I love astrology, and we can learn a lot here I think," Gretha said to Kimeye as the two Lovestarz entered the main gates of the Astrology, Wow! gathering that Miss Alexis and Count Carlo had arranged for them to attend.

   "Hey Gretha, why don't you think Count Carlo teaches here anymore? Didn't he used to do workshops and stuff?" Kimeye replied as she gazed at the rows of merchants beginning to set up their wares for the week-long event.

   "Yeah, I don't know what's the dealio now. I think he got sick of all the New Age astrologers and surf puppy wannabe stargazers and stuff. Like those guys over there balancing the pyramids on their heads. As if that has anything to do with astrology. He told me that he totally rejects modern astrology because of all the emphasis on healing yourself first and then worrying about the planets. He says that it's the other way around, and you can't avoid cosmic karate chops and bitch slaps even if you do all that New Age crap. I agree…I mean just look at those fools. They'll still get whacked hard by Saturn and Pluto transits no matter how good they can balance those stupid triangles. Anyway, there's got to be some cute guys here…"

   The two strolled around the campground and picked a spot to pitch their tent. They decided on a spot underneath some pine trees, and began to erect a tent that Count Carlo had lent them.

   "I'm glad we're tenting Gretha…I don't like being with a mess of people in a cabin. Plus we can do our own thing and nobody will know."

   "You're such a Scorpio, Kimmy. And just what 'thing' did you plan on 'doing'?!"

   "I dunno...maybe get a tatt. I'll need to keep it out of direct sunlight, I s'pose..."

   "You still thinking about a scorpion?"

   "Yeah..."





   Gretha rolled her eyes and continued to work on laying out the tarp which would protect the tent from leaking in case of rain. Just then, two middle-aged men approached the Lovestarz' plot and hurriedly introduced themselves to the girls.

   "Hiya ladies...you look like you need some help. My name is Jaw Jeffer and this is my partner Slick Ravine…we are the coordinators for this spectacular event. We've put up so many tents, yours would be a breeze. So why don't you step aside and let us do...





   Gretha interrupted, "Why thank you! We helpless girls had no clue what we were even doing, being girls and all, and if it weren't for you big strong men offering to help us, why, we would be all confused and lost and…no offense, guys...we're all set."

   Kimeye narrowed her eyes to match the short eyes of the two men, creating esprit de corps with Gretha with nothing more than her penetrating Scorpio gaze.

   "Whatever lady. Fine. Just remember, no loud radios and no drugs and..."

   "Oh don't worry…we just came from a phat rave, we're all set. By the way, does every newcomer to these things get this...treatment?" Gretha said, not bothering to raise her eyes from her present chore.

   The two men looked at each other and Jaw continued to run his mouth.

   "Well, maybe you can catch our workshops. I am doing one on how to walk and move like the different signs of the zodiac. It's very spiritual, everybody does it, and..."

   Gretha, in true Ram style, yet again interrupted the braggart.

   "Oh! So you're the Jaw Jeffer? I know you! Didn't your wife dump you right after that slut Slim Rogers-Gallaga moved in with you two? Yeah, I heard about that! I heard that you and Slim couldn't keep off the crack pipe and your wife found out and..."

   As Jaw became pale and turned aside grabbing his gut, Slick interrupted.

   "Young lady, Mr. Jeffer here is no scoundrel, but an internationally known astrologer-extraordinaire. He and I pioneered the popular website called StarHQ.com, which is a mall of sorts, where astrologers can have their pictures and biographies put to show the world who you are. No one else does that you know, not even that Count Carlo guy."

   Kimeye seized the moment, denying her Aries galpal the opportunity, figuring why let Gretha butt heads with these stooges when she could instead lure them into her lair and then sting them repeatedly. After all, head butts are so common, yet a well-honed Socratic Scorpionic way is far more powerful…and deadly.

   "Hey mister, did you say Count Carlo? I have heard of him. Are you bothered by his astrology?"

   "Why, no it's just...well, yes, in fact, I find it amateurish and uncivilized, and well, rather pagan and crass and..."

   "Have you ever met Count Carlo, sir?"





   "Why no, I...I have copied, er, I mean, read his work, however, and...well let's just say that he is not popular among us popular astrologers. You won't find any of that type of 'goddess astrology' hooey here, that's for sure." Slick's minion Jaw nodded meekly in agreement.

   Gretha, while getting red with anger, managed to allow Kimeye to continue to back the fools into a corner and instead prepared to laugh out loud as soon as the younger of the Count's devotees began to poke the hapless men.

   "Did you know he's wicked cute?"

   "Cute? Well I...I fail to see how that makes anyone any good at astrology!"

   "Really," replied Kimeye as she and Gretha raised the tent. "You don't think being cute and funny and sexy and a total stud matter in astrology? Don't you think it makes people listen better and that in the darkness of a tent like this, could even make a girl gain a much 'deeper' understanding for the potency of the planets?"

   "Well, I don't know, I...don't think so...I..."

   "Did you know that Count Carlo used to teach here?"

   "Yes, yes I do, and we are thankful that..."

   "That he packed his goddess-centered tent and went home?"

   "So to speak, yes.."

   "And you think that teaching your 'walk like a sea-goat' astrology, making passes at young girls who are raising their tents, and then having a week-long circlejerk with your surfpuppy astrologer pals will ever even come close to contributing to the understanding of the cosmos in the way that the Count has managed actually to shift the paradigm of modern astrology back where it belongs, into the hands of the Goddess, and that you two could possibly create any interest at all in anyone other than the likes of Slim Rogers-Gallaga with that stupid tattoo of a mole on her face and the 'C.C.' on her ass that could ever hope to rival the depth of appreciation that the merry Count has given the world by his kick-ass website lovestarz.com, as well as has tuned like a lyre the very souls of young people like Gretha and myself, who instead, like our peers, prefer to learn from someone so well-endowed in every way?

Or that we would even think of attending workshops that continue to stress nothing more than how to make money doing Sun Sign astrology, post our biographies on your lame website, and read blatant copies of the famed Count's work that you feature while instead we have known all along the importance of not accepting and actually dissing the proliferation of New Age astrology that people like you continue to peddle? Do you think we're high or perhaps bitches, and that you would so much as have a chance with us, or others like us, in convincing us that sites and astrology like yours could ever even hope to be relevant? What makes you think that...please...indulge us, and do so quickly because we have a ritual to perform in this phat tent that we just put up while not missing so much as a giggle directed toward your bogus and sad attempt to convince us of your own relevance."

   The two men looked sheepish as Jaw's jaw hit the ground and Slick's pasty face looked downward toward his "Merlin Rules" t-shirt. They looked back and forth at each other and after a pregnant pause seemingly the length of an astrological Age, instead slowly turned away dejected, and slinked off.

   "I thought so!" snapped Kimeye at the men who had revealed yet again the shallowness that all modern astrology tends to eventually exhibit, and she turned to Gretha whom indeed was laughing out loud.

   Gretha then said, "Oh my Gods, Kimeye, that was perfect, yo! You dissed those suckers bigtime. Fuckers...as if we're even interested! Good show!"

   "Thanks Gia. You know me, I always be down for the Count yo,"





Kimeye replied, grinning all the while as she tore off her top and turned a handstand to mark the Lovestarz territory.

   "Yeah, me too. I wish he were here. He'd keep us warm at night. Ahhh, so what do you wanna do now? Wanna take a dip in the pond with me, or maybe just sit around the pool and scope out the scene, or should we eat lunch first?"





   "Let's eat girl, I'm kinda hungry…but not for chicken! I've seen enough chickens for one day! Can you clean off my stinger please," Kimeye said as she turned and bent over, sticking her round butt towards her girlfriend who then pretended to clean off Kimeye's stinger.

   "There...all done! Nice one, Kim, that really was too cool! Just go easy on me, okay…don't put out my Fire just yet, the night is still young!"

   With that, the two Lovestarz headed toward the dining hall, cartwheeling as they went, chanting languidly, "We all come from the Goddess, and to her we shall return!!! We all come from the Goddess, and to Her we shall return!!! I'm so psyched for the fire circle tonight!"





Part Deux

The Week's Workshops

Jaw Jeffer: Astro-Crabcake-Man: How to Really "Cook" Using Astrology

Slick Ravine: How to Bite from Count Carlo and Not Have People Notice

Slim Rogers Gallaga: So You Want to Sleep With an Astrologer?

Ladye Galileo: Astrology for the Workplace: How to Pretend to Be a Capricorn

Rod Finger: Essays in How to Charge $200/hour and Get Away With It

Noah Skill (pronounced "skill", not "sky'll"): Medical Astrology Malpractice - How to Avoid It

Michael "Play-the-Skin" Flutin: How to Be a Really Gay Astrologer and Work for Vanity Fair While Raising Gerbils, All in the Privacy of Your Own Condo

James Haha: Canoe Hindu?

Lou Tony: How to Write Biographies of Non-Notables

   "I don't know Gretha, most of these look pretty lame. We can either go to some or just sit by the pool and do a Gretha and Kimeye Tanning Workshop...I'm all about that...wanna? Or maybe we should go get painted now?"





   "I'm thinking tanning first...yeah, these workshops seem really retarded, like much of modern astrology today. I wish Carlo was teaching something, or maybe Donna Cunningham. Too bad Jim Lewis isn't around anymore, goddess rest his soul. Yeah, let's just go show off our bods and bronze it up. This place is kinda pretty, maybe we can walk in the woods and we'll find a treasure!"





   "Treasure? Don't we have to wait for Carlo and Alexis before we find secrets?

   "No silly, I mean 'treasure'! Don't you get it??"

   "Um…nope. Like buried treasure, coins and shit?"

 "Uh...you Water signs...no Kimeye, like satyrs!!!"

   "Like guys with fur playing pipes?"

   "Yeah you big dope! We can draw down Pan, and maybe we'll hook up with somebody!"

   "Er, Gretha...the guys here are all geeks."

   "Kim, I am talking about being touched by a god! You know, how like Apollo appeared to Carlo and made him be an incredible poet and astrologer…stuff like that, only Pan energy, so more of a sexual inspiration...and result! Who knows, maybe we would be transported to another realm, and…"

   "Gretha, are you like tripping on mushrooms? You want to have sex with a creature with fur and horns??"

   "Well gee Kimmy, if he is a god, who the hell wouldn't???"





   "I…guess so…I just think I'd prefer…you know, like a regular guy!"

   "Ugh. Kim, why have a regular guy when you can have a god? Haven't you learned anything from being around Carlo? You have to aim high, as high as a mountaintop. And what better way to get what you want than magic? Are you afraid?"

   "Gretha...let's be dumb…I'm a Scorpio!"

   "Oh, right...okay, so you're not afraid…so what is it…you just want mediocre?"

   "Gretha, I'm not sure I even want! Like, would a god use protection? Or would there be some type of...Immaculate Conception thing goin' on?"

   "Kimmy…I have a box of condoms…size extra large! Will you stop worrying? We put the condoms on the altar that we make out of a fallen log or something, call the quarters, draw down Pan. Like, what could be easier?"

   "Well, I guess I could try it…can I just be the Handmaiden and you can be the High Priestess? My drawing-down abilities are a little rusty."

   "Yeah Kim, of course. So we'll do it then! Tonight at midnight, and by tomorrow, we should be well satisfied, wouldn't you say?"



   "I don't know Gia. I guess I'll just trust you to do a good spell. I mean I like guys and stuff, it's just…a god??? Would he want, like, a three-way?"

   "Trust me Kimmer, we'll hook it up right. Then we can tell Carlo and Alexis how we slept with real gods...well, other than Carlo! They'll get a kick out of it. There's a lot of reasons why we should, like..."

   "Okay Gretha, I already said I would. Let's go back to the pool now, I want to tan a little bit more for this."

   "Dope!"

   And the girls trotted toward the pool, giggling all the while at the silly people around them wearing pyramids, juggling crystals, and peddling chart software.